Dead (x3 Bonus Multiplier) - Aliens vs. Predator

I thought the Aliens were supposed to  have some sort of overt sexuality about them?

I absolutely LOVE the first AvP game. As an experience the Alien campaign absolutely blew my mind. The fluidity of movement, the sense of completely owning a 3D space, the feeling of power and the fear you strike into your opponents was just incredible. I used to flow around the map with such alacrity and grace that I truly felt like the perfect killing machine, lopping off heads and savouring the kill as powerless opponents trembled and cried before me. So let's see how it goes this time around...

After some fannying around with the settings and navigating the keyboard-only menus I get stuck in. I'm undecided as to whether I should have one life for the whole game, or one life for each of the three campaigns. We'll decide that later.
I decide to do the campaigns alphabetically so it's Alien first.
I drop into a temple which is being defiled by Marines. They will have to die. the first area is like a playground, starting off with a few small areas and then opening up into slightly more complex rooms so you can get the hang of how to navigate without the confines of gravity. It's just as I remember. The sense of weight, the perfectly judged jump distance, the dizzying confusion giving way to the joy of play, all are still there in abundance.
After running around and shutting off some fire by slashing some heavy weights so they fall into it (for some reason) I reach my first room containing, urgh, people. I sit and watch them from the ceiling for a while trying to work out their paths so I can pick them off perfectly. Unfortunately they just sort of stand around in a big group. After some testing of how close I can get without being seen I approach the first and then just run around wildly pressing the left mouse button and watching heads come off. I eat a head to get some health back.
Excellent, well this is all as expected.
Next comes a sort of squared-off rams horn section with a blind corner with an autogun behind each one. I know they're there because I can hear their mechanical whir/click (and because one rinses me of most of my health as I try to get a peek round the corner). Hmm.
There should be a way to get behind. I run around for a while but can't find one. Maybe in the east tunnel. Whilst exploring I stumble on another marine. I lop his head off and catch fire.
I am dead.

:/

OK, well if I want to be playing this game for more than 9 minutes I suppose I should have one life per campaign.

Colonial Marine is next. I wake up to alarms sounding in my quarters. I already have all my battle gear on. I can tell this because, like every game of it's era, the first thing I see is a mirror in which I can admire my sexy self crab-walking backwards and forwards while I try and align myself with it. I then jump up and down a few times, obviously. Then I set my keys up again because you have to do that for each different character...

Ha ha! Do you remember when games used to have buttons for 'Centre View'. LOLZ at the ROFLPAST!

Right, off out into the corridors. It is still surprisingly atmospheric, mainly because I can't see a thing and there's a massive glowing glitch down a third of my screen.
A poorly acted marine man tells me we're in some 'deep shit' and that I should open airlocks and things. Also that there's been some 'weird movement'. Then the aliens appear. The appearance of the first one has me flailing wildly and firing my gun in all directions in a panic. I'm running in a backwards circle trying desperately to get a bead on something. The alien's head pops and the panic is over but I'm surprised how panicky I was. I think it was the fact that it arrived with no fanfare, no screech, no smashed open door - there was just a beep on my movement detector and then - bam! - he's in my face.
No such panic for the next few. I crouch and take out the head switching with ease between motion detector and bright green screen mode.

Eat it skinny

As I move down some stairs I see two fans, one spinning and one not. I remember now it's a 'move through the air ducts' bit. As I jump down I brush against the spinning fan and am chopped into pieces.
I am dead.

UGH. FINE. Predator then.

The Predator is powerful in a way that would be considered 'unbalanced' and 'OP' in today's middle-ground hugging times. In a world where everything is nerfed into mediocrity to appease the whining community it's refreshing to be a ridiculous, unstoppable, beast for a change (Oh, Battlefield 2's original Blackhawk how I wish you were here with us now!).
I merrily stealth my way through the levels with my trusty speargun. It's a one hit kill with infinite ammo of course. I could also use my auto locking laser cannon if I wanted, or even just snick their heads off with my claws, but the speargun works the best for me. It's finally looking like I'll be able to get into a proper session and then I fall off a cliff and die.

Sigh

AvP 2 it is then.

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